Joke: Quantas

After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then the pilots review the gripe sheets right before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some of the actual maintenance complaints submitted by the Qantas' pilots (as marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (as marked with an S) by the maintenance engineers.

By the way, it is relevant to note that Qantas is the only major airline in the world that has never, ever, had an accident!

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.P: Something loose in the cockpit.S: Something tightened in the cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of a leak on the right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume reset to a more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

P: The number 3 engine is missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after a brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

And the best one saved for last......

P: Noise coming from under the instrument panel. Sounds like a midgetpounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from the midget.

Diary: I'm Going to Xiamen

This week had been a fun week for me why you might ask? Well I did many things one being was shopping. Well let’s start from the beginning. Monday right up to Thursday had been as per usual. I’m now in charge of 3 high priority secret cases, which are running concurrently, and the datelines are all closed together. Funny I’m not as stressed maybe later when the datelines comes close… Aarghhh.

I don’t normally work hard on Friday, I’m mostly on my goof off mode but I got a surprise email on Friday at 6pm. The company wanted me to go to Xiamen for 5 days for some seminar. Yes!! I’m going to Xiamen; I’m going To Xiamen (doing my dance). I leave on Saturday and I only come back on Thursday the week after that. I’m so excited, damm now I need a camera to document proof that I’ve been to China.

On Saturday I was busying myself to get some new pants KLCC had good bargain and it was too hard to look away. I got to pair of jeans from BUM, slacks from G2000 and khakis pants from Padini. I was lil worried to by tops cause as you know I’m fat nothing these days looks good on a fat guy and what’s worse its hard to get sizes. Wonder if I should dress up like Fat Albert… Hei Hei Hei.

Sunday was the same routine Church at St Johns. A Philippino priest kept the mass and throughout the whole mass I had the Black Eyed Peas song in my mind “Bobet” (Check link to know what I’m talking out http://angeldemon.imeem.com/music/_PVZ6-N_/bebot/ ) After mass I meet Stephanie and her mum, was surprised to see them there as they always went to Sacred Hearts Church. After mass it was usual routine breakfast at KLCC. A peaceful time with my newspaper and my dear old self. I got some supplies from the pharmacy as a precaution for my trip.
I’m so excited for my trip… wish me luck and safe trip yeah

Fishing Story

The Japanese love fresh fish. However, the waters close to Japan have not held many fish for decades. So to feed the Japanese population, fishing boats got bigger and went farther than ever. The farther the fishermen went, the longer it took to bring in the fish. If the return trip took more than a few days, the fish were not fresh. The Japanese did not like the taste

To solve this problem, fishing companies installed freezers on their boats. They would catch the fish and freeze them at sea. Freezers allowed the boats to go farther and stay longer. However, the Japanese could taste the difference between fresh and frozen and they did not like frozen fish. The frozen fish brought a lower price.

So fishing companies installed fish tanks. They would catch the fish and stuff them in the tanks, fin to fin. After a little thrashing around, the fish stopped moving. They were tired and dull, but alive. Unfortunately, the Japanese could still taste the difference. Because the fish did not move for days, they lost their fresh-fish taste. The Japanese preferred the lively taste of fresh fish, not sluggish fish.

So how did Japanese fishing companies solve this problem? How do they get fresh-tasting fish to Japan? If you were consulting the fish industry, what would you recommend?

Too Much Money
As soon as you reach your goals, such as finding a wonderful mate, starting a successful company, paying off your debts or whatever, you might lose your passion. You don’t need to work so hard so you relax.

You experience the same problem as lottery winners who waste their money, wealthy heirs who never grow up and bored homemakers who get addicted to prescription drugs.

Like the Japanese fish problem, the best solution is simple. It was observed by L. Ron Hubbard in the early 1950's.

"Man thrives, oddly enough, only in the presence of a challenging environment." — L. Ron Hubbard

The Benefits of a Challenge
The more intelligent, persistent and competent you are, the more you enjoy a good problem. If your challenges are the correct size, and if you are steadily conquering those challenges, you are happy. You think of your challenges and get energized. You are excited to try new solutions. You have fun.

You are alive!

How Japanese Fish Stay Fresh

To keep the fish tasting fresh, the Japanese fishing companies still put the fish in the tanks. But now they add a small shark to each tank. The shark eats a few fish, but most of the fish arrive in a very lively state.

The fish are challenged.

Recommendations
Instead of avoiding challenges, jump into them. Beat the heck out of them. Enjoy the game. If your challenges are too large or too numerous, do not give up. Failing makes you tired. Instead, reorganize. Find more determination, more knowledge, more help.

If you have met your goals, set some bigger goals. Once you meet your personal or family needs, move onto goals for your group, the society, even mankind.

Don’t create success and lie in it. You have resources, skills and abilities to make a difference. Put a shark in your tank and see how far you can really go!

Singapore Cheats ! ! !

I watched Malaysia vs. Singpore yesterday, not because I was doing my patriotic duty but because due to last minute managerial decision my team had to cover the sports event and we didn’t have and feed for it. At one point I was quite proud to see Malaysia take the lead from Singapore but of course a typical Malaysian football team we gave it all away. It was nice to see them being fitted with the new Nike jersey but like the saying says the threads don’t make the man. It didn’t matter how cool or atrocious the jersey was it didn’t effect how crappy the Malaysian team played. What was more embarrassing is that the football team I played with in my high school came up with better set pieces.

Not only to complain on the Malaysian team, I also noticed that there are many exports from the Singapore team. I fairly caught a Englishmen, a Black dude and a Chinaman. I know they are racist remarks but that’s not a pure Singapore team. Some way along the way when Malaysia used to beat the crap out of Singapore the Singaporeans kind of wised up and started giving foreigners green cards so that they could play for the national team.

It obvious now that Malaysian is going to lose this coming Saturday in Singapore. But it would be nice though if Malaysian were to win and the watch Nokia Football Crazy the host are bit too Singapore bias. Love to see the face when Corkhill does his segment. Anyway please do Visit Malaysia 2007…. We need the business.

Guts & Balls

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really knowthe difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and then asking her: "Are you stillcleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, Smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and saying: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both ultimately result in death.

Mobile Phones Dirtier than Toilet Seats

Some new research has been published which reveals that there's actually more filth on our phones than the average toilet seat cover. The phones contained more skin bacteria than the any other object; this could be due to the fact that this type of bacteria increases in high temperatures and our phones are perfect for breeding these germs as they're kept warm and cozy in our pockets, handbags and brief cases. Mobile phone retailer Dial-a-Phone conducted the study taking swabs from everyday objects and analyzing the bacteria found on them. The results found that there's more muck on our mobiles than the average door handle, keyboard, and bottom of a shoe or even a toilet seat.

The research confirmed the presence of skin bacteria including staphylococcus aureus on the phone, keyboard, toilet seat and door handle. The shoe in contrast had bacteria from the soil and air. Joanne Verran, Professor of Microbiology at Manchester Metropolitan University comments: "Mobile phones, like many everyday objects such a telephones and computer keyboards, harbor bacteria. However, being 'mobile', they are stored in bags or pockets, are handled frequently, and held close to the face. In other words, they come into contact with more parts of our body and a wider range of bacteria than toilet seats"

A Dial-a-Phone spokesperson comments: "We take our phones everywhere, being in close contact with our mouths, hands and faces their bound to collect all sorts of nasty germs. The images make look scary but our advice to phone users is to ensure they clean them regularly with an antibacterial wipe"

Liverpool Joke

Benitez sent scouts out around the world looking for a new striker to replace Michael Owen who had gone to Newcastle. One of the scouts informs him of a young Iraqi striker who he thinks will turn out to be a true superstar.The Liverpool manager flies to Baghdad to watch him and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Anfield.Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Man Utd with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on the field he goes.

The lad is a sensation, scores 5 in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.When the lad comes off the pitch, he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football . "Hello mum, guess what?" he says. "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me"."Wonderful," says his mum. "Let me tell you about my day. Your father gotshot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and beaten and yourbrother has joined a gang of looters while you were having a great time!"With this news, the young lad is very upset. "What can I say mum, except I'm so sorry"."Sorry!" exclaims his mum. "It's your fault we all moved to Liverpool in the first f**king place!"

Passive Malaya

What has happened to the people of Malaysia? I noticed these days that we seem to accept everything at face value and do not intend to question the decision that is made. Good example is the toll hike, we all complain about it but nothing is done about it. We don’t fight back. Mum recently just informed me that the cukai pintu just increased by another RM20. Why the sudden hike?

Why aren’t heads rolling for the flood that is happening in JB? I think the top managements people ruling the flood areas need to be taken action. I heard somebody comment that JB has no proper channel to let the water go out? Do you really think this is a smart comment? We all have seen a Malaysian Map, Johor is at the very tip and they are water on the left and right of it. Why can’t we build a temporary channel to remove the water? Hasn’t the government allocated a budget to change the drainage or we just concentrate on KL and no place else. Johor is next to Singapore you don’t hear them being flooded or sinked. The idea of Singapore being sinked is cool though…

Its visit Malaysia 2007 and with the flood in JB what do you think the foreign press will say. They would say Malaysia hit by flood. Then no one comes to visit us and the 32 million we spent on the Eye On Malaysia would be a waste. We need to think! We seem to give up the right to do so.

Oouch

A local newspaper ran a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line... but the least romantic second line. Here are some of the entries they received...


I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.


Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.


Oh loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face


Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not


I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face


I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!


My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life


I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming


My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way


My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "go to hell"

Warren Buffet

There was a one hour interview on CNBC with Warren Buffet, the second richest man who has donated $31 billion to charity. Here are some very interesting aspects of his life:

1) He bought his first share at age 11 and he now regrets that he started too late !

2) He bought a small farm at age 14 with savings from delivering newspapers.

3) He still lives in the same small 3 bedroom house in mid-town Omaha, that he bought after he got married 50 years ago. He says that he has everything he needs in that house. His house does not have a wall or a fence.

4) He drives his own car everywhere and does not have a driver or security people around him.

5) He never travels by private jet, although he owns the world's largest private jet company.

6) His company, Berkshire Hathaway, owns 63 companies. He writes only one letter each year to the CEO's of these companies, giving them goals for the year. He never holds meetings or calls them on a regular basis.

7) He has given his CEO's only two rules. Rule number 1: do not lose any of your shareholder's money. Rule number 2: Do not forget rule number 1.

8) He does not socialize with the high society crowd. His past time after he gets home is to make himself some pop corn and watch television.

9) Bill Gates, the world's richest man met him for the first time only 5 years ago. Bill Gates did not think he had anything in common with Warren Buffet. So he had scheduled his meeting only for half hour. But when Gates met him, the meeting lasted for ten hours and Bill Gatesbecame a devotee of Warren Buffet.

10) Warren Buffet does not carry a cell phone, nor has a computer on his desk.

11) His advice to young people: Stay away from credit cards and invest in yourself.

WHY EMPLOYEES LEAVE ORGANIZATIONS ? - Azim Premji, CEO- Wipro

Every company faces the problem of people leaving the company for betterpay or profile. Early this year, Mark, a senior software designer, got an offer from aprestigious international firm to work in its Indiaoperations developing specialized software. He was thrilled by the offer.

He had heard a lot about the CEO. The salary was great. The company had all the right systems in place employee-friendlyhuman resources (HR) policies, a spanking new office, and the very besttechnology, even a canteen that served superb food. Twice Mark was sent abroad for training. "My learning curve is the sharpest it's ever been," he said soon after he joined. Last week, less than eight months after he joined, Mark walked out of thejob.

Why did this talented employee leave ?
Arun quit for the same reason that drives many good people away. The answer lies in one of the largest studies undertaken by the GallupOrganization. The study surveyed over a million employees and80,000 managers and was published in a book called "First Break All The Rules". It came up with this surprising finding:
If you're losing good people, look to their immediate boss. Immediate bossis the reason people stay and thrive in an organization.And he 's the reason why people leave. When people leave they take knowledge, experience and contacts with them, straight to the competition.

"People leave managers not companies," write the authors Marcus Buckinghamand Curt Coffman.
Mostly manager drives people away? HR experts say that of all the abuses, employees find humiliation the mostintolerable. The first time, an employee may not leave,but a thought has been planted. The second time, that thought getsstrengthened. The third time, he looks for another job.

When people cannot retort openly in anger, they do so by passiveaggression. By digging their heels in and slowing down. By doing onlywhat they are told to do and no more. By omitting to give the boss crucial information. Dev says: "If you work for a jerk, you basicallywant to get him into trouble. You don 't have your heart and soul in thejob."

Different managers can stress out employees in different ways - by being too controlling, too suspicious, too pushy, too critical, butthey forget that workers are not fixed assets, they are free agents. Whenthis goes on too long, an employee will quit - often over a trivial issue."Jack Welch of GE once said. A company's value lies "between the ears ofits employees".

Talented men leave. Dead wood doesn't.

Diary: I'm Back

Hi there,

It’s been 2 weeks since I’ve blogged. Why you ask? Why such a long big gap? Well I wasn’t busy working I was on holiday. I didn’t go any place particular but I just needed to rest myself and get things to perspective. This year as much as I want to excel in work I plan to make that my second priority now. Time to concentrate on other things. This year they should be more concerts and gigs that I would like to go. I’m thinking of going to MUSE.

Well I got to leave now loads of thing pending. 2 weeks of mail to revert back and a new project I’m working on. I catch u lovely people soon.

Love,
MArk